Janet Hsieh ( Discovery Channel host)

 

      I never really appreciated my vagina until one trip to Thailand.  No no. it’s probably not at all what you’re thinking….

 

　　It life-altering vaginal experience started in Cambodia when my travel buddy and I got tired of the normal touristy way of visiting the Ankor Wat ruins and decided to rent bicycles and ride around the villages surrounding these ancient temples.  We rode around all day, enjoying the sites, meeting really friendly villagers and taking photos of smiling children jumping into the lakes nearby.  With such life surrounding these ruins, it was easy to see what it must have been like to be here during the zenith of the Khmer empire.  It was a great day.

 

　　Night however, was a different story.  Since we had pretty much been riding around all day long, for about 10 hours, we both, needless to say, had some pretty sore butts.  I didn’t realize the extent of that soreness until I took a hot shower and felt the stinging.  Oh man, I’ll never forget that stinging.

 

　　But being the hardcore know-it-all “experienced” traveler that I am, I pretended that it was going to go away, and so for the next few days when the stinging and painful itching and then finally burning didn’t go away, I still didn’t go get it checked out.  It was TOO EMBARASSING.  I mean, come on… this was all happening down there.

 

　　To make matters worse, I was also suffering from what cartoons like to depict as explosive diarrhea (but don’t worry, I won’t get into those details).  Overall, this was just one nasty experience.

 

　　Finally, when it got to the point where I couldn’t even wash myself with water without howling and screaming bloody murder, I admitted that I was in some serious doo doo and I needed to go to the ER…. Pronto. 

 

　　Looking back, you would have thought that I would have gone after the multiple signs of major this-is-so-not-right-ness:  

1. inability to pee without crying. 

2. inability to NOT pee without crying. 

3. not wanting to drink any water in case I would have to pee later 

4. having to walk like a cowboy, in a wide-stepped saunter 

5. do I even need to go on at this point?  You’re probably already making a scrunched up, pinched look with your face and shaking your head at my imbecility.)

 

　　Tail ducked in between my legs (well, probably not right in between my legs because that would have caused me excruciating pain at that point in my life), I went to the ER.  I laid down like a good patient and when the nurses took a look at my infected area they actually (I’m not exaggerating here)…. *gasped*.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, they immediately ran away.   No just kidding.  But they did run very quickly out of the room and ran back even more quickly with a resident doctor.  Who took one look and, yup, … *gasped*.

 

　　It turns out, I had urinary track infection, bacterial vaginal infection, bladder infection, viral urethral infection, and the doctor threw in a pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis just for fun. (or just because he liked the word, just for kicks, just because he figured might as well since there is probably no other place he could diagnose that.)  (note: in case you were wondering, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a lung disease caused by breathing in particles of siliceous volcanic dust.) (note 2: yes, I actually looked it up) (note 3: don’t worry, I didn’t actually have it.)

 

　　I laugh and make jokes at all of this now, but any of you who has ever had any ONE of those infections before, you know just how HELLISH those slow painful days are.

 

　　Well, I never forgot that lesson.  It may still seem strange for some ladies to hear it, but ladies… trust me!  LOVE and APPRECIATE your vagina.  You only got one.  And when it’s in trouble, you better listen or else it’s going to come back and bite you and bite you hard.  

 

　　I know I will never neglect my vagina again, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis or not.